Inhalt
Warning: Chocolate can make your clothes shrink. |
Learn Chinese In 5 Minutes
Hover above the sentences and you will get the translation
It's very dark in here. |
Wai So Dim |
I bumped into a coffee table. |
Ai Bang Mai Ni |
Has your flight been delayed? |
Hao long Wei Ting |
I thought you were on a diet? |
Wai Yu Mun Ching |
I am not guilty! |
Wai Hang Mi |
Stupid Man |
Dum Gai |
I think you need a facelift |
Chin Tu Fat |
See me A.S.A.P. |
Kum Hia Nao |
Small Horse |
Tai Ni Po Ni |
Did you go to the beach |
Wai Yu So Tan |
Are you hiding a fugitive? |
Hu Yu Hai Ding |
He's cleaning his automobile. |
Wa Sing Ka |
They have arrived. |
Hai Dei Kum |
You are not very bright. |
Yu So Dum |
This is a tow away zone. |
No Pah King |
I got this for free. |
Ai No Pei |
An unauthorized execution |
Lin Ching |
Please stay a while longer. |
Wai Go Nao |
Stay out of sight. |
Lei Lo |
Your body odor is offensive. |
Yu Stin Ki Pu |
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? |
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song |
Answering Machine Messages
WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS
FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So
leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
us.
Hello, you're caller number nine!
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name
and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name,
then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name
and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443,
then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your
number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in
a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We
know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone,
please hang up.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume
my shape, one of them will get back to you.
Thank you for calling the Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare
for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear?
... BEEP
The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new
number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later
use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the
sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to
right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are
my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If
you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't
worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
What A Woman Says "This place is a mess! C'mon! What a man hears blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON |
Dictionary for Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, ...breath...push..."
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
>Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about
those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those
meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S- * - * -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls ** t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top